Feb 1: Catch up on gardening-sew leaves back onto trees.
Do all cooking for 1997
Feb 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Feb 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
Feb 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange
slices and cinnamon sticks.
Feb 5: Lay Faberge egg.
Feb 6: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe
inserts into heat pump.
Feb 7: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make
excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative
pie crusts.
Feb 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Feb 9: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal
personal address books; simply cross out the names of
all the people you do not know.
Feb 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
Feb 11: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Feb 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders.
Take verbatim notes.
Feb 13: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly
relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment
death occurs.
Feb 14: Replace air in minivan tires with Glad air freshener in
case tires are shot out at the mall.
Feb 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Feb 16: Get new eyeglasses: grind lenses myself.
Feb 17: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones,
fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Feb 18: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
Feb 19: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault.
Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
Last Modified 2/14/00