"I'm going fishing."
Really means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means.. "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and
completely out of gas."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means.."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical nor understanding
it so go away and quit nagging me and asking questions."
"Can I help with dinner?"
eally means.."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means.. Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like
Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea."
eally means.."It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day
gloating."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means.."She's heard all my stories before, and she doesn't buy
them anymore."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means.."I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means.."The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means.."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
We're going to be late."
Really means.."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac,
and it kind of excites me."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means.."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.."I can't hear the game over your damned vacuum
cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means.."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.."I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means.."You want me to stay awake."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means.."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means.."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.."What did you catch me at and where did I screw up in
covering my tracks?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means.."You've got more clothes in your closet than the Chinese
army and most of it has only been worn once, and that was in the
dressing room at the mall."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means.."Because I always wind up outside the dressing room
holding your purse and looking like a jerk."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means.."You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means.."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative
stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary
companions."
"I heard you."
Really means.."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means.."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means.."It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means.."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we
are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.."No one will ever see us alive again, but I'm not
stopping for directions because you'll get that damn, head tilted,
I-told-you-so look on your face and I'll have to hit you in the
head with a shovel."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means.."I like you more than my truck, and it scares the hell
out of me."
"I recycle."
Really means.."We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means.."Oh, god, what have you done to yourself?"
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means.."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means.."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a
new one."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means.."Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
Last Modified 2/14/00